Wednesday 24 July 2013

Stories untold................

An unshared feeling
Reeling in the mind
An unwritten text
Waiting to be defined
An undone friendship
That keeps heart pined

An unspoken word
That could forge new bonds
An unreciprocated hug
That could turn things around
An unsaid apology
Waiting to gain ground

An unsent letter
Could give relationships a start
An unshed tear
Buried in the depths of the heart
An unpacked bag
Waiting to depart                

Mistaken to be lost in the realms of time
Till at dusk the church bells chime
The heart heaves a sigh
As memories unfold
And whisper the secrets untold

If only one chance was taken
If only that one word spoken
If only was feeling expressed
Life would not be a fallen crest
Egos clash and prejudice wins
But the heart knows the right thing.

Life goes on till it’s time to rest
And the broken soul lies depressed
Look around without a guise
There’s more to what meets the eye
Open your heart only to find
Stories untold in everybody’s mind.






Monday 22 July 2013

Loreto Convent Shillong..........

The long driveway that looped towards the entrance was lined with elegant pines. The gates within opened into another world altogether, a world where our innocent young minds would be moulded and polished and readied to face life with self respect and dignity.  

Our little hands held on to our parent’s, jittery at what held beyond as we walked in anxiously through the gates and caught the first glimpse of the fountain surrounded by flowers bordering the fresh lawn that welcomed us.  This was where we would spend the most beautiful years of our lives.  The building represented old glory and grace of the British period, the doors had brass knobs that gleamed as the sun’s rays fell on them, and the wooden floors were polished.  We were called into the 'Parlour’ this was the waiting room where all the visitors were asked to sit. It was love at first sight as we walked in. Sister Celine met us – she was elegance personified. She spoke softly and led us to her office.

Forms were filled and formalities completed and we became a part of this institution.....an institution whose name we would hold in great pride throughout our lives....Loreto Convent Shillong.

For the next ten years this was going to be our home, a building which till today continues to entice us, the sloping flower beds maintained by the hard toiling malis, the summer house shrouded with  mystery, the main hall with its piano in one corner lined with chairs on both sides , the tennis courts which continue to remind us of the various fetes held during our time, and the campus, where we would play games like the Danish Rounders or have our march pasts each Friday when each house would try and outdo the other; the boundary walls lined with jacaranda trees where we’d spend many a lunch break playing with friends,  the light green and the dark green staircases that led to the senior classes, the water tank, the little nursery with its doll house, the smoke bellowing from the kitchen chimneys , the sports day, the annual concerts, the statue of Mother Mary that stood amidst the first floor senior classes, or the wall next to the old Dorm where picture frames of all the passed out batches were neatly displayed...these were just a few, amongst the various memories that would go on to bind all Loreto girls, irrespective of which year we passed out or where were we currently placed.

We came from different backgrounds, from tea gardens, family businesses, defense officers, government officials, doctors and some even from royal families. But once we joined school, we belonged to just one community – Loreto.

We were taken to our first dreamland - the nursery – a sweet cosy room in one hidden corner of the building where the small girls would play and learn. We then graduated  to the junior wing where many generations before and a few lucky ones after us would get introduced to Kong Irene – a loving lady with a stern exterior – she would help us sharpen pencils and shout at us if we misbehaved. Our teachers Mrs Ahmed, Mrs Warjiri, Mrs Dcosta....all of whom patiently laid the foundation for the years ahead.

While Mrs Shome read out stories from thick books as we sat listening intently, Sister Rita taught us how to pronounce correctly separating the ‘W’ and the ‘V’. Maths became more interesting under Sister Carmel’s and Mrs Dey’s supervision and geography under Mrs Lepcha gave the boring globes and maps a whole new meaning. Be it history or art, Mrs Bhattacharjee, Mrs Khan, Mrs Sagar,Mrs Wilson, Mrs Das, Mrs Hassan, Mrs Mahanta, Mrs Dutta, Mrs Roy ...we had the best teachers, some of whom were ex-students themselves.

The joy of reaching the sixth standard gave us a new high, because we were now going to be in the senior league. This was also the first time that we were assigned houses...Tagore, Nehru, Gandhi and Naidu – we continue to be loyal to them till today. But being in the senior school also meant a lot more discipline as we were now the ideals for our juniors.   Skirts should fall just at the knee, not an inch higher and not an inch lower, the knife pleats sitting sharply in place, the shirts and the socks were whitest white, socks had to be at knee length, no rolling them down, red ties, grey blazers and we were ready to go.....we stood with our feet joined at the heel and when we sat, our backs were upright, nails clipped and hair tied in a neat pony tail. We spoke in soft tones and knew when to use ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’. We were taught the importance of charity and dignity of labor, to respect our domestic help and to care for those less privileged than us. Our visits to the chapel, irrespective of which religion we belonged to, during exams was more like a ritual – the silence and serenity of the chapel could only be felt and not explained. Moral Science was an important class which was never sacrificed at the cost of subjects like Science or Maths, because we knew, that being educated meant more than just good grades. All this was a part of our metamorphosis from an unsure scared tiny-tot to a confident young lady.

Our teenage years, filled with secrets and gossips, not to forget the most looked forward visit to the St Edmund’s school for their annual sports day...we were expected to be on our best behavior and there would be no talking to the boys, we would be strictly watched over by the teachers accompanying us. In spite of that, all such trips lead to new gossips and relationships, out of which a few resulted in lifelong bonds.

Years passed and we branched out to give wings to our dreams.  We were in for a shock initially as we faced the harsh world, there was little place for our delicate mannerisms, but with our kind of training, we learnt to face it all as we had aptly learnt during our school days -  

And when our school days ended are
And our varied paths divide
O may the ideals of our youth
Still ever be our guide
High ideals of purity, of duty, and of truth
Learnt while we bore Loreto's flag
In the sunny days of youth.......

Loreto’s banner gaily floats
In lands both East and West
Loreto’s name each girl reveres
And holds it ever blest....!!

Thursday 18 July 2013

Oh! I love the music of the Raindrops on the window pane..........

Oh! I love the music of the raindrops on the window pane
The sound of the leaves swaying in its trail
The dull grey sky celebrates as it pours its waters
 And teases the fierce wind that chatters

The rains brings cheer and everything looks clean
The lively bean dazzles and the glass doors gleam
While the birds preen their feathers
And the dogs choose to snuggle
It’s time for some hot coffee and a nice book to smuggle

Old memories come rushing with every drizzle
The first romance, as if engraved with a chisel
The rain gods had cried and the thunder had roared
When the naive heart had broken and the dreams soured

The summer has ended and the dusty days are gone
Bring out the paper boats and lead them along
Splashing into the puddles as we break into a song
Bring out the child in you; it will do you no wrong..........

The rain gods were angry on a particular day
And while the innocent children were playing away
The rivers soared and boulders betrayed
The path of many a pilgrim lay strayed

It sometimes hurts and there is pain
Every time I hear the raindrops on the window pane.....
Houses were broken and lives were lost
The cries for help all exhaust

Everyone cried out in despair
Rich or poor, no one was spared
For nature has not learnt to discriminate
All races and colors met the same fate

Yet, I continue to love the rain
For if we had not messed up
 We would not be in pain
We had ignored the writing on the wall
And today we pay the price of it all.























Friday 12 July 2013

Oh! But To be Fat.......................!!

A very apt subject for someone like me to talk about, I thought...., coz who knows better than me on what it is to be fat...

Hmm...where do I start from?

Well, what better way to start than from the beginning....so the beginning it is....I was born fat...a very chubby, fair (fair by Indian standards) baby.  The nurses spoke about me at lunch about how healthy (they actually meant fat) I was. I don’t know if I was a cute baby, but most people tell me that I was a fair chubby baby. All through my toddler days, my cheeks were pulled a thousand times...at home, in the park, in the cinema, in the market, at Dolly auntie’s house, at the playground, at my cousin Mira’s wedding......It was first day at school, and I was playing amongst the beautiful Jacaranda trees near the playground when I was summoned by a few seniors.... only to pull my cheeks....and No that wasn't amusing coz it hurt. I was embarrassed and scuttled back to my class.

 Even my maid had a problem with my weight. One day I was thoroughly enjoying, wiping off the Horlicks powder glued to my fingers (Horlicks in its powder form was tastier than when mixed with milk........... but who could explain that to my daft maid?) and she complained to my mom saying that if I continued to eat like this, it would be difficult to find a match for an obese girl, when I was older....come on ...I was only six years old then, and who was she to settle on what I could eat and what not?  But my mom took her criticism grimly and there I was waking up untimely, at the crack of dawn to walk my dog (my mom’s way to ensure that I got adequate exercise by walking in the morning), my meals were timed and I was forbidden to be anywhere near the kitchen other than the meal times L. Even the dogs would get their out of turn breaks when they asked for their favorite chews, but not me.....my mom was out on a mission...a mission to make me thin... she had tried to think the unattainable, she slowly realized that it wasn't worth it and so for the sake of having peace at home, I was spared.

Probably the most irritating part then was to find clothes of my size...the only saving grace was the fact that my mom was a wonderful seamstress  and her skills were put to good use while doing up my wardrobe. I would choose the clothes in the stores and she would make them in my size at home.

My nickname – I was born at a time when everyone had a nickname and somehow most parents found the most ridiculous sounding names...in those days even celebrities were not spared...haven’t we already heard of Lolo....... Bebo...... Duggu......Gattu....., mine wasn't so bad actually, provided I was addressed with it...I had a universal nickname ‘moti’....this was how I was addressed – by buas, chachis, biji, my elder cousins and sometimes my younger brother as well....except for my parents, thankfully, I was still ‘Sonu’ for them.

Every time photographs needed to be taken, it was a torture as the camera always tended to append another two to three kilos to the already over blessed me, so I always had to hide half myself behind my brother, or my mother, or my friend and if it was a solo click, then I had to be peeping from behind the sofa or, yes, how can I forget, ‘no close-ups please.....!!’

Days turned to years and I moved from being a junior school student to a high school girl.....there was a period in between (probably the only time in my life) when I was gaining height and I was looking thin (not thin as per normal standards, but thin by my standards, actually less chubby than my usual self) that was probably the only time in my life when I got good compliments...about my looks.  But this lasted only from high school to the time I had my first child. This was also the time when I was in college and met my husband-to-be......Thank God for little mercies, imagine if he had seen me in my earlier or present avtaar, he’d probably have sprinted in a record time and never looked back.

Once my elder son was born, I had got back the fat as if it was my long lost twin from the kumbh mela and this time it appeared to have decided never to leave me. Initially, I was consoled that it happens to all first time mothers and that I would lose all of it soon, but no one told me how soon.......a few days, a few months....or a few years??? The elder one turned ten last year and I am still waiting for the fat to leave me ‘soon’.

The worst time of the day is the mornings when I need to get ready for work....no matter what you wear you tend to look the same...sloppy and yes Fat!! The only respite is hiding in the cubicle and hoping no one notices you. I do my work and get back home........the best place where no one is staring, and people at home have gotten used to me the way I am......actually I guess they don’t have a choice, as they see my struggle to get back to being thin, but not without a once-in-a-while reminder........that I still have a long way to go.

When you are fat, there is no dearth of advice either.....hey listen, why don’t you go for walks, just half an hour in the morning and half an hour in the evening or, have you tried drinking lemon and honey in the morning or the GM diet, Orange juice diet, Cabbage diet....etc etc.....In fact, there is a big booming industry out there and a lot of rags-to-riches stories of people who have taken it upon themselves to cleanse the society of shoddy, obese beings.............................Gyms, diets, fasts, weight loss centers....walks, aerobics, yoga.....Hmmm......while we poor souls sweat it out, they are happily counting their increasing bank balance.....


So while I continue my war and hopefully come out victorious....... ‘SOON’, I hope you enjoyed reading this............ J

Friday 5 July 2013

when the nest is empty......................!!

The morning alarm was yet to go, but she was awake already; it was four thirty in the morning, she just couldn't sleep any longer. At sixty, she suffered from insomnia. She switched on the lamp as it was still dark and went out of the room. Rajiv was getting disturbed by all the commotion but was still lying down as he did not want to be up early.....the early morning chill was not good for his seventy year old weak lungs.

She went about all the household chores; there was a lot to be completed before Adi and his family reached home. At this age she needed more time to finish her chores than earlier as her joints would hurt. He was coming back after two years and that too just for four days as he wanted to spend the rest of his vacations exploring other parts of India. She had made his favorite ladoos and stored them in airtight containers yesterday. She knew that would be the first thing he would want when he arrived. Arav and Rhea, her grandchildren, would surely love the remote control car and the Barbie she had kept in their room to surprise them. Adi’s room had been dusted and cleaned and the guest room had been converted into the kids’ room. She had changed the cushion covers and placed the new dining mats. ‘Aarti couldn't complain this time that her mom-in-law was old fashioned.’ she thought.

It was eight in the morning when Rajiv was woken up by the sound of the cooker that came from the kitchen and was surprised to find the house in perfect order, and filled with delicious aroma of spices. ‘Where was Sudha?’ he thought. He found her just where he had expected – in the kitchen. She was making mango chutney to go with the Puris that she had planned for breakfast. She looked at Rajiv and smiled and poured out the tea from the flask and handed over to him. She seemed to have gained ten years overnight. Where did all her energy suddenly come from? She had not complained of her joint pains ever since Adi had called and informed of his visit. Her friends had been informed that she would not be coming for walks for the next few days since her son was coming and she had to be with him. There was a spring in her walk and a smile that refused to leave her face.

The old couple was ready and waiting for their son. Sudha tried to hide her excitement by pretending to read the paper. Soon they heard a car stop outside; there they were, the kids came and hugged her first as Adi and Aarti pulled out their bags from the cab. As they settled down for breakfast, Adi said, ‘Ma, why Puris, it’s so fattening, you know. And these ladoos are full of ghee; I can’t have these too, Ma. Please can you give me some fruits and milk? That should be fine.’ Sudha was hurt, and only Rajiv could sense the hurt in her eyes. She smiled and got a glass of milk and fruits. After breakfast, Adi and 'his' family told them they were going out to meet friends and would be back only in the evening. Sudha had tried to stop him as she wanted him to be home with them for some time, but they had other plans.

Adi was soon out, leaving them by themselves once again.

Sudha sat pondering. How life had changed over the years? She was thinking of the day when she had held her bundle of joy for the first time. Her hands had shivered in excitement. Soon her world revolved around little Adi; she clearly remembered every milestone of his..... his first smile, the first time he walked, his high school, graduation all of it........ Time flew past. She had started seeing the world through his eyes and all her decisions were made keeping Adi in mind. She would be happy when he did well and feel his pain when he was upset.  Every penny earned or saved was for him. Adi was soon a grown up young man. He was going for his first job. That was Sudha’s moment of pride. She was sure that Adi would be always by her side. But then came an International posting after a year. Adi had come home excited... ‘It’s a big opportunity Ma, and I have been chosen to represent my team for this project. You know Ma, I will get a huge hike and once I have settled down, I will take you with me. Life will become so much better.’

Sudha had been very sad that day. Her little boy had grown up and was ready to fly......fly away and make his own little nest in another part of the world, leaving behind his memories for her old age. Rajiv could sense her sadness and comforted her... ‘This is how the world goes Sudha, let him go. You should be proud of his achievements. He has said that he will call us there; it’s only a matter of few months.’ She had let him go.......and let him go it was; years went by, Adi was married and had children. Initially his visits were once a year, which later became once in eighteen months and then once in two years......and so on. Each time he’d visit them, he would say that the next time he would take them with him, this time it was not possible as ‘his’ family was going on a vacation or he had a lot of on work pressure and they would get bored. Soon he even stopped making those excuses.

The parents had slowly learnt to rebuild their home, this time a lonely one. They had learnt to support each other during illness and pain. They had aged now, and at times found it difficult to manage the daily chores; at times the neighbors would help them with shopping for groceries or for visits to the doctor. She continues to do the house work till date, with her joint pains and insomnia, making it difficult each passing day, to support herself and her husband. Her brood has flown away into another home; Diwali, Holi, New Year...these have become just another day in the calendar.

There were other couples in the neighborhood too, that shared their story and together they bonded supporting each other and sharing each other’s pains and sorrows.  Theirs was a generation that had been left behind in the race for materialistic accomplishments. Theirs was a world that still believed in family bonds and emotions, that was mocked by the new world as unpractical and passé.  The new world was out to chase its dreams...speed, growth, money, power, fame and they did not want to wait for anyone, not even, for the people who had made it possible for them.......

Adi would be back in the evening with some other plan for tomorrow and the day after. Another trip would end and they would be back for another year...or two years ....or three. The old eyes and wrinkled faces would again wait in hope for another phone call..... Another visit.....another excuse!!


Wednesday 3 July 2013

Shillong......... as I remember it !!

This was my hometown then, or so I thought, where the soft summer breeze whistled through the pines on the gentle slopes, the weeping willows swayed in gay abandon, the winding roads looked fresh and clean each morning after the previous night’s rain, the grass in the lawn would be still moist when the dogs played boisterously chasing each other amidst the sprightly daisies and the blue hills of Shillong seemed to protect all this like a sentinel. The clouds kissed the hill tops and sashayed down as if paying homage to the power of the Himalayas. The rich soil and the pleasant climate would caress the baby seedlings that would grow into beautiful flowers.

The houses were warm and inviting with sloping rooftops that would let the rain water gently flow through the cylindrical drain and assemble in drums for the dry days. The only decoration for most houses, big or small, would be pots of plants, lots of them in all shapes and sizes. The squeaky clean window panes gleamed when sunshine passed through them. The wooden floors would always be neatly polished smelling of melted wax mixed with the aroma of supper. The kitchens were the lifeline of the house and most guests would be invited in to share a meal, however small. There would be music in the air as people gathered by the fireplace each evening to play their favorite number. Each house was sure to have their own rock star strumming the guitar and dreaming to own the world through music. People on the streets would greet each other with a smile and everyone knew everyone. A quaint small town, then, with a heart of gold accompanied with the never-ending narration of old tales told with a glint in the eyes of old wrinkled faces as they recalled their youth and shared their stories with their progeny. Laid back and simple.....this was my Shillong then....my Shillong, coz I knew I belonged here; this was where I was born and where I grew up. I really never felt any less a local, or so I thought.

My first real memory of Shillong is of my school, yes, we lived in Barapani then, in quarters by the lakeside, a few kilometers away from Shillong. Prior to that we would come to Shillong with our parents only on weekends and hardly explored the place. School was the first place I connected to in Shillong. An old building of the British period with a romance of the bygone era where we were taught that along with having a good education, it was important to be a good human being first. The nuns had welcomed me into this haven and here for the next ten years, I grew up from being a little girl to a young lady (as the nuns would address us). Even after all these years, I can still feel the smell of burning coal in the nuns’ quarters which had always left a warm feeling during the cold wintry mornings. Through my school, I saw Shillong, as a culturally rich society which respected its women like no other society in India could.  The weekends would mean a small picnic to the nearby Golf links, or to stand on the bridge at Ward’s lake feeding the always hungry fish below. A visit from our relatives from the plains, would take us to Cherrapunjee and Mawsynram...... a place of pride for us. They would look in awe at the stately pines on both sides of the road at Upper Shillong that welcomed them to another world. It was as if we were showing off our trophies to them.

As I grew up, I realized there were unspoken walls, we belonged here but this place was not ours to be. Slowly the divide seeped in, the divide between a local and a migrant. They called us non-tribal and somewhere along the way, I was told in a lot of ways that this was not my place. Be it admission to my college, where the first preference was to a localite, or owning a piece of land. No, I couldn't own one, as I was a non-tribal......so what, if I was born here, so what, if my upbringing and sensibilities spoke every bit of being a Shillongite, so what, if I felt like an alien amidst my relatives in Delhi, whose culture and thought process was very different from mine. I was considered an outsider there too, as I came from somewhere else.

My father retired from work and we moved to Delhi.

Shillong....., my place, continues to live in my memory........I may not be able to claim to come from this place anymore, but my heart belongs to it. Every time I go back, I am looked upon as a tourist, but for me its another homecoming.  

Today, as I live in a another city and  people ask me where do I come from?....... I  find that the most difficult question to answer.........!!

Monday 1 July 2013

Bruno Comes Home...!!

He was born in a street next to the school – a tiny 15 day old, thin, dusty, but happy nevertheless, an active baby he was, when he came home. We were very excited; it really didn't matter if he did not belong to a superior pedigree. We were allowed to keep him with us, only if we took responsibility for it.
We began by finding a good name and zeroed in on Bruno.....a name derived from the Germanic word ‘brun’ meaning ‘Shield or Armor’, a name that we would later go on to realize, was very apt for him. Suddenly it appeared that both of us siblings had become responsible overnight. We took turns at training the little one – since it was summer vacations we were allowed to spend a lot of time with our new friend or rather younger sibling as we had started believing. Even at the lightest whimper at night we would wake up and run to the little one. For once even our small squabbles had stopped which was a pleasant surprise for our parents.
Bruno grew up quickly to be a sturdy young fellow; he would run in the whole neighborhood like he owned all of it. He was a terror to the little children returning from school; he would run after them playfully and they would get scared. He had average height with little fur, his color was white with patches of black and his tail was coiled like a telephone cord. He would follow my father everywhere except for the time when he left for work. He had made a small territory for himself and he guarded it fiercely, this included us also.
He would also consider himself at par with us and no less. One night he refused to get to his sleeping place and kept pulling the pillow – it was only after the spare pillow was given to him that he resigned to his now complete bed – complete with a small mattress, a small blanket and now his own pillow. Yet, once the lights went off in our parents’ room, he would sneak into our room and find a place on the bed.
It was late December, just after Christmas; my father was travelling and we were alone with our mother. It had been a week since Bruno came inside the house. Each morning there would be a layer of frost on the lawn and Bruno would be cold and shivering. We tried every possible way to get him into the house, but he would not budge. If this continued any longer, we would surely have him seriously ill. We were really worried for him. He would spend the night by the fence where he had last traced that stranger’s smell. This had started since a drunken man had lost his way and rang our doorbell. Bruno barked furiously that night asking us to let him out. He would've attacked the stranger and we didn't want him to hurt the stranger. No one opened the door and the stranger left. He later went to our neighbors' house and soon left the place. Since my father was travelling, Bruno considered it his responsibility to be taking care of our security. He barked relentlessly and finally when we were sure that the stranger would be far from Bruno’s reach, we let him out. Bruno sniffed around till he could trace the stranger’s smell to our neighbors' house by the fence and there he had parked himself since the last one week waiting to attack the stranger when he came back.
It was a usual afternoon, all of us soaking in the winter sun in the backyard, reading a book and eating oranges. The dogs would normally sit by our side and chase the birds that would come to steal the rice from their plates, except, that this time; Bruno was on the other side of the fence on guard duty. We were discussing how to get him indoors; all our efforts since the last one week had gone in vain. Just then, my mother went up to Bruno and started scolding him just as she would do to us if we were disobedient. She shouted at him,’ Bruno, why are you not listening to us; you know Papa is not at home and instead of helping us you are creating trouble. What will we do if anything happens to you? Do you realise that the weather is not good for you? Is this the way to behave?’ We really do not know what Bruno could understand of her two minute admonishment but that evening, as it was time for dinner, we heard a knock on the door....we looked out and saw him scratching the door to let him in.
Finally our Bruno had come home....like he always did, every evening!!

This is a true story..............